Broken Umbrella

When it rains, it pours. And I feel like I'm standing in the downpour with a broken umbrella.

Over the last 2 months, I've learned something about grief. It's sneaky. It creeps in unnoticed and suddenly appears out of nowhere. There have been so many times I've wanted to call my sister to share an inside joke or to talk about a favorite memory. Not being able to share things with her has been harder in ways that I didn't expect. I wish so much I could call her in heaven so she could tell me all about it.

I'm typing this post from the hospital. Little Miss was admitted over the weekend, and we're currently starting night number 3. I'm not going to lie, it's been terrible. I don't particularly like being in hospitals, and I hate that our family is separated. It's weighing on everyone. It's hard that love alone can't make a precious baby feel better or comfort boys when mommy's not there. If life was a wrestling match, Chad and I have considered tapping out more than once.

In all the stress, exhaustion, fear, and frustration, I am trying to cling to the hope that I have a great Helper and nothing that is going on in my family escapes His attention. When I say "try," I mean that. It is a big struggle for me. Despite over 20 years of knowing God's truth, my faith is shakng. I'm asking questions and having doubts that I haven't had before. I am ready to find my footing.

A Special Birthday

It's interesting to me how I remember and celebrate certain dates. I like to celebrate my half birthday, the anniversary or my first date with Chad, and today is another very special date for me.

Twenty one years ago, in the living room of my childhood home, my older sister and I made the biggest and best decision of our lives. We accepted Jesus as our Lord and Savior. That seems like such Christianese, but that's how my six-year-old heart understood it. I knew I was lost and destined for eternity separated from God, and I knew that my only hope was to cling to Jesus and the price He paid for me. Some might doubt that a child can really understand enough to make a such a decision. I admit that I have questioned that same thing, but I have come to the conclusion time and time again that my decision to lean on Christ for salvation was real and genuine.

I mentioned before that I share this special day with my older sister. I miss her so much today! Whether we were close or far apart, sharing this day knit our hearts together in a special way. It is such a blessing to me that I was there when she became a believer, and I was there when she left this world to run into the arms of Jesus. I know that she is celebrating in heaven and that one day I will be there with her. She always got to do things first, and so I like to think she's scouting everything out for me.

Life on the Outside

After 25 hours spent inside CMC, I was able to get away for a while today. It was so wonderful to feel the sun, breathe fresh air and eat food not purchased in the cafeteria. My girlhood best friend, who I haven't seen in about 10 years, picked me up and treated me to lunch (yes, Mexican food) and a little shopping. I was amazed at how we fell into our old roles and seemed to pick up where we left off. So much is changed in our lives in the last decade (college, marriage, careers and kiddos), but our personalities still mesh like they did when we spent our days playing with Barbies or American Girl dolls.



I was so blessed to spend my evening with another precious friend and my sweet little girl. It's amazing how a hospital room can transform into a place where lives, hearts, and dreams are shared. Real friendship is doing life with one another, and Jane and I have certainly done that. She's seen me transform from a recent college grad to a wife and now to a mommy. She has the gifl of loving and encouraging others and bringing joy and refreshment to a downtrodden heart. Our talks of God's love, the love we have for our men, and mommyhood served as a great reminder that the world keeps spinning and God is still working, eventhough my life seems like it's at a standstill.

For Such a Time as This

Today was my first full day in Dallas with Little Miss after being flown here yesterday morning. It was a whirlwind morning. By 11, we had ridden in an ambulance and flown in a helicopter. It's so hard to see a little one sick, especially when she struggles to breathe. I was overwhelmingly relieved to see her get some help. Though much of the experience was intense, I had a sense of calm- calm because I know that God is in control and calm because we have been through a similar experience with Jack. In fact, at one point, I looked at Chad and said, "Same song, second verse." I believe that God uses our experiences to prepare us for things later on down the road. This has most certainly been true in this case. Almost 4 years ago, we spent 3 weeks in the NICU with newborn Jack because his preemie lungs weren't quite strong enough to work on their own. Then, 2 months ago, I watched my sister struggle to breathe in her final days in the ICU. It's not that I'm comfortable with IVs or cannulas or the thought of intubation; I have just seen them work and provide comfort for people I love. I am so thankful that God prepared us to be there for our sweet little girl by guiding us through Jack's first weeks and Christie's death. We believe that this might be why God brought Little Miss into our family, even if it is for a season. It is a joy to love her and take care of her. I did promise her that our next girls' trip would look much different.

A Touch of Pink

For over 3 and a half years, I have lived very happily in the land of blue. I call it Man World. From the day our first son was born, I've been outnumbered, and the scale has continued to tip in favor of the men. I say that in jest. I never imagined that I would be a mom of three boys, but I love my little "mantourage" so dearly. I will confess, that there is a soft spot in me for little girls.

I freely admit that I've had a tug on my heart to add a little pink addition to our family for a while. Last Friday, that dream came true. We got a call around 8:30 asking if we take another foster placement- this time a 2 month old baby girl. After some fast prayer and fast discussion with Chad, we decided to welcome her into our home. As I waited for her to come, I had the same sense of excitement and anticipation that I did when I used to wait for Chad to pick me up for a date. After waiting all day, she arrived around 5 that evening. She warmed and broke my heart in the same moment. She brought very little with her except the strong smell of smoke. Like any baby, she has responded beautifully to feeling loved and safe. I am so grateful for the opportunity to take care of her and love her, even if it's just for a season.

So in the past 3 months our family of four has become a family of six. We can't believe it sometimes, and there are many times we feel like we might be crazy. Despite feeling overwhelmed much of the time, we know that God is challenging our family to live differently. All over the world, men, women and families suffer for the sake of showing the love of Jesus to a hurting and searching world. We are blessed to live lives that don't require too much persecution or suffering. The ease of our life can make us comfortable and content to stay under the radar. I'm learning that having an impact on this world means being willing to challenge myself and lay myself out for others. It's so hard, and I confess that I blow it most of the time. Thank God for grace!!!!

We're not trying to be super people. There's nothing super about us. God has called us and we know without a doubt that we are totally dependent on God to equip us as well. I am awed at His faithfulness to take our brokenness, selfishness and inadequacy and use it.

Confessions from the Kiosk

Whether you find them at the office, at home, or with a cup of coffee at Starbucks, most bloggers are found sitting. Not me. Not today. I'm standing at what we call our "kiosk." My genius husband, by way of his magical techie wand has, transformed our living room television into a 42" monitor. I often find myself like I am right now, perched in front of the screen, standing on one leg with the other leg bent against my knee. Think flamingo. It's quite amusing, and by far the most agile thing I do.

Inspired by a friend to share a piece of personal trivia (#2 is for you, Val), I thought I'd make a list of some silly and little-known tidbits about myself.

1. I hate Styrofoam plates/to-go boxes. The squeak they make gives me the eebie geebies.

2. In fourth grade, I proudly sported a gold locket containing a picture of Kevin Costner that I cut out of my Bodyguard soundtrack (it was a tape, too!).

3. I have had my Miranda Rights read to me.

4. I once cried while watching USC football and explained my tears by saying, "It's just such beautiful football."

5. I wore my dad's shorts in junior high and cinched them up with his woven leather belt.

6. I have a weakness for kids' cereal.

7. I color-code my closet.

8. My sisters and I can quote "The Princess Bride" almost all the way through.

9. I was the one who broke the pencil sharpener in 1st grade by trying to sharpen a purple crayon.

10. Instead of having an imaginary friend, I had an imaginary planet (complete with holidays).

Never a Dull Moment

I'm sitting in A's nursery, which is also the home of our family computer. Currently, A is in my lap ( he's a little fussy from his shots), Jack is working with an Allen wrench, and Luke has just been told that the changing table is not a fort. Minutes ago, Jack was standing behind me pretending to dry my hair with his toy drill turned blowdryer. I just love his imagination!

There is always something going on around here, that's for sure. In the crazy hustle and bustle that is life with three children, I am so often guilty of getting overwhelmed and frustrated with my kids. I find myself saying no when I should say yes, ignoring things that I shouldn't, and missing out on opportunities to play and teach. Another of my goals this year it to treasure each day, each moment more. I'm going to try to challenge myself to let my kids be independent and trying more "big kid" things without worrying too much about the mess that might result. So far, that's been letting my big 2 use scissors. Sitting at the dining table with their new scissors and being able to go to town on pieces of construction paper has been super fun for them and good for me.

Today, A and I were able to have some time just the 2 of us. Now, we were at a doctor's check-up, we were by ourselves nonetheless. We had a great time playing cars, talking, and snuggling. It was a precious time that I know God used to knit our hearts closer together. After over 2 months of trying in my own strength to make us bond, I've finally started praying that God would love him through me. What he has done in the past few days has been nothing short of a miracle.

I'm thankful that the daily performance of the Larsh Family Circus has an intermission. We are certainly a family that believes in, embraces, and relies on siestas. I'm off to quiet the troops with a book and some snuggles before tucking them in for their naps. Rest well!