Packing List

Chad will tell you that one of my least favorite things to do in the whole world is to pack. Whether it's for a short trip or packing up our whole house before we move, I really don't like packing. I don't want to choose before hand what I'm going to wear, and I almost always forget something (diapers, shoes, etc.) I feel overwhelmed at the thought of cramming all the "essentials" into one or two bags. If they sold Mary Poppins bags on Etsy, I would buy one.

Today, I started another packing list. I've made 2 over the last week and half for family trips, but this one is much different. It is without a doubt the hardest packing list I've ever made. I pulled down my yellow legal notepad and started listing all the things I need to send with our baby girl when she leaves this week. It breaks my heart to even type that.

We've known from the day she came that she was mostly likely going to be reunited with her family. I've spent the past 6 months praying and hoping that she would be able to stay. I even had a dream a month or so ago that her family gave her to me to raise. I've wondered so many times where the line is between hope and denial. I think I've crossed back and forth over it. We learned a few weeks ago that there was a 99.9% chance that she would be leaving on the 14th, and since then I've felt pretty numb about it. Maybe numb isn't the right word. I thought maybe it was peace, but I'm not sure about that either. I've cried, prayed, and talked about it with Chad, friends and family. I think we're at a point of acceptance. That does not mean we are ok with what's happening. We know there really isn't anything else we can do. We have to trust that God knows His plans for this precious baby, and that His plans are far better than the ones we can make for her. I struggle so much with that. It's like there's a constant war waging in my heart.

We went to see my family this past weekend, because my extended family had never met our little girl. She delighted everyone. My parents are keeping the big boys for a week, and Chad and I had to tell them that their baby wouldn't be at our house when the come home. They had to say goodbye. My parents, sister, and extended family also had to say goodbye. I am so thankful that her little heart doesn't hurt like mine does.

I've been suddenly overcome by all the "lasts" of this week- our last weekend as a family of 6, the last time we'll have lunch with Daddy, and the last time I'll fold some of her tiny clothes. Some people would say it's because I got too attached or because this is our first foster baby to leave, but it's more than that. It's even more than the emotional bond we have from spending so many days in the hospital. God brought her to me when I needed some help seeing joy in life. He has used her to help me smile when missing my sister made me want to cry. Not for one second do I regret loving her. I tell her every day that wherever she is, I will love her.

There is no way I could ever pack all of our memories into a box to send with her. She is too precious and has meant to much to us to even try. Nevertheless, I have started a packing list because I want her to go home with what she needs, and I don't mean just clothes and things like that. I mean I want her to know without a doubt that Jesus loves her. That truth is the greatest thing we could ever send with her.