Kleenex and Confetti

If my blog were an actual person, I would have to apologize for being such a fickle friend. To say that my lack of posting was purely due to business or plain forgetting would be untrue. Last year was a full year- a year of unexpected hellos and tearful goodbyes.

Chad and I were blessed by the opportunity to travel to Malaysia to teach high school students while their missionary parents attended a conference. It was a very stretching experience. Spring brought little boy crocs, dirty faces, and getting more settled into our new house.

After nearly a year and a half of research and waiting, God finally gave us the green light on pursuing something very special. In early May we found and met with a wonderful foster agency in town and started the process of getting licensed to be foster parents. Someone told me that we, in a manner of speaking, "laid our family on the altar." The journey thus far has been one of faith, questions, and sacrifice. While some days it is just plain hard, it has also refining me and my family.

As camp at PC came with full force, Chad's work schedule left me with more alone time. While many of my friends and family already new him, I made a new friend. His name is Harry Potter. I delved into the 7 book story with much glee and fervor. Chad might say he became a widower of sorts while I had my "Harry-Carrie" time.

At the end of summer, our family had the amazing opportunity to go to family camp. It was awesome! The boys loved it, and it was great to be away and have some time focused on strengthening our family. After working at camp for years, it was a tremendous honor and blessing to be on the other side.

We took somewhat of a hiatus from our foster training during the summer due to a very packed schedule, but we picked up the pace again once September rolled in. Our original goal had been to finish everything by September 1, but multiple bumps in the road pushed us back some. We finally received our license at the end of September.

From outside our windows we could watch the trees change color. The bright and brilliant shades of green morphed into beautiful gold and red. I just love fall! October brought many many events. Chad and I celebrated our 4 year anniversary, Chad celebrated his 28th birthday, and we welcomed a new addition into our family. On October 18, our third son came to live with us. We'll call him "A". He's got the most precious dimples I've ever seen, and he's a big charmer. The boys didn't waste any time in making him feel like a true brother. We have no idea how long he'll be with us. I could be a week, or it could be forever. Only God knows. I struggle so much with trusting him with the details. As Chad says, things don't often make sense from "this side of the tapestry."

November. Probably the hardest month I've ever had. I was invited to attend a women's leadership conference with some other ladies from our church. It was a great experience, and I learned so much about who God says I am. I had little time to process the things I learned before we got the call that my sister (a brave fighter of cancer for almost 6 years) had serious post-surgery complications and was not doing well. We left late on a Thursday night, drove the long 7 hours west, and I headed immediately to the hospital. My brother-in-law came home from his post in the Middle East to be with her, and our family prayed and waited. On November 28, my big sister went to be with Jesus. Even as I type that, it doesn't seem real. We'd know the day would come and in many ways we'd been preparing for it. It was my first experience with saying goodbye to someone close. There has been a strange mixture of joy and sadness, hope and confusion. We celebrated her life with a beautiful service on December 1. She would have loved it. Christie's death has made me question a lot of things and wonder about what heaven must be like. There are many things I don't know, but I do know that God is good and that Christie is having a huge party with Jesus. We placed our faith in Christ on the same day back in 1990, and I was with her when she left the pain and brokenness of this world and ran into His arms.

The year finished with the typical swirl of holiday activity. While we worked hard to treasure and focus on the true meaning of Christmas, the fact is that we just weren't in the mood to celebrate much. I have to believe that's ok. Even the best of days can be tainted by an empty seat at the table.

As I do my best to welcome 2011, I admit that I am fearful of what this year will bring. Perhaps that is one of the reasons I have set the goal to blog more regularly this year. For me, blogging is a way to organize and express my thoughts. That's not something I'm good at doing verbally, but writing definitely helps. I hope that writing this year will also make me more introspective and also more transparent with anyone who might happen to read this.

2010 was a year of very real pain, anticipation, frustration, and joy. I think I've had the full gamut of emotions. Today, I believe God gave me a sneak peek of what He wants to do in me this year. There are many ways I have been broken, and there are many walls that still need to come down. I have to trust that all of this is so that He can rebuild me. My prayer is that I will let him, that I will put all my eggs in His basket, that I will let go of the lies, the fears, and the control that I've been trying to hold onto. If you're reading this, I give your permission and even ask you to keep me accountable. Ask me how I'm doing. As me if I'm letting God work in me. Ask me anything.

Thank you for sharing in the journey that's ahead.