Heavy and Hopeful Hearts

I'm sitting the in driveway right now, watching my 3 little men race their cars around and around. Every once in a while, they will stop to switch vehicles. It's a precious and comforting ending to one of the hardest days our family has had. Today, we said goodbye to our sweet Little Miss.

People often ask how we deal with watching our little ones leave our home to go back to be with their families. This is our first experience having a child leave our home, so I wanted to be sure to write about it. Her leaving has left our hearts heavy. There is a piece missing in our family. I imagine how we feel is like going to hear an orchestra play, only to find out that the flute section is missing. The music may still sound beautiful, but there is something noticeably absent.

When I tried to picture what this day would look like, I pictured lots of crying. I have most definitely cried, but it hasn't been the torrent I expected. Maybe it's because we knew this day was coming. Maybe it's because I've cried so much over the last few weeks. Maybe it's because we're still a little numb. I don't know. I do know that God is still good, He has a plan, and that we don't regret loving our little girl. I would do it all over again.

In the hours since we gave our last kisses, I already miss the sound of her giggles and coos. I catch myself looking for her rolling around on the playroom rug. It's the little things that get to me most- the last bottle in the dishwasher, pink things still scattered around the house, sounds that remind me of her. I suppose when you love deeply, you grieve deeply.

It's very true that the world doesn't stop when you're hurting. That has really irked me in the past. Now, though, I'm glad. My big boys have told me they're sad and miss their sister, but they don't let those feelings keep them from riding their bikes, saying "I love you," or devouring their dinner. Sweet moments of being a wife and mom are still sweet. I wish so much that she could be here to star in and share those moments, but I have to trust that God's plan for her is bigger, sweeter, and more perfect than the ones I would make for her. That hope (even when I don't really feel it), is what keeps us going. It's what gives us strength and peace to keep loving on hurting kids and making a safe home for them. It's what enables us to lay our family on the altar. We know that His ways are higher and better than ours.

It's been a roller coaster ride over the past few days. I've cried, had trouble sleeping, and experienced sweet joy.

Court was set for 9 am this morning. I kept checking my phone for a text or call to find out how things went. Finally, about 11:30, I learned that we don't have to say goodbye to our precious little one today. Apparently, the judge did not have the all the information she wanted and decided not to rule today. The case will be reviewed again next week. We are so thankful that God has answered our prayer that the judge would have every piece of truth before she made her decision. We know this means more waiting, but we gladly keep waiting if it means we can treasure more snuggles, smiles, and precious moments with our littlest one.

Packing List

Chad will tell you that one of my least favorite things to do in the whole world is to pack. Whether it's for a short trip or packing up our whole house before we move, I really don't like packing. I don't want to choose before hand what I'm going to wear, and I almost always forget something (diapers, shoes, etc.) I feel overwhelmed at the thought of cramming all the "essentials" into one or two bags. If they sold Mary Poppins bags on Etsy, I would buy one.

Today, I started another packing list. I've made 2 over the last week and half for family trips, but this one is much different. It is without a doubt the hardest packing list I've ever made. I pulled down my yellow legal notepad and started listing all the things I need to send with our baby girl when she leaves this week. It breaks my heart to even type that.

We've known from the day she came that she was mostly likely going to be reunited with her family. I've spent the past 6 months praying and hoping that she would be able to stay. I even had a dream a month or so ago that her family gave her to me to raise. I've wondered so many times where the line is between hope and denial. I think I've crossed back and forth over it. We learned a few weeks ago that there was a 99.9% chance that she would be leaving on the 14th, and since then I've felt pretty numb about it. Maybe numb isn't the right word. I thought maybe it was peace, but I'm not sure about that either. I've cried, prayed, and talked about it with Chad, friends and family. I think we're at a point of acceptance. That does not mean we are ok with what's happening. We know there really isn't anything else we can do. We have to trust that God knows His plans for this precious baby, and that His plans are far better than the ones we can make for her. I struggle so much with that. It's like there's a constant war waging in my heart.

We went to see my family this past weekend, because my extended family had never met our little girl. She delighted everyone. My parents are keeping the big boys for a week, and Chad and I had to tell them that their baby wouldn't be at our house when the come home. They had to say goodbye. My parents, sister, and extended family also had to say goodbye. I am so thankful that her little heart doesn't hurt like mine does.

I've been suddenly overcome by all the "lasts" of this week- our last weekend as a family of 6, the last time we'll have lunch with Daddy, and the last time I'll fold some of her tiny clothes. Some people would say it's because I got too attached or because this is our first foster baby to leave, but it's more than that. It's even more than the emotional bond we have from spending so many days in the hospital. God brought her to me when I needed some help seeing joy in life. He has used her to help me smile when missing my sister made me want to cry. Not for one second do I regret loving her. I tell her every day that wherever she is, I will love her.

There is no way I could ever pack all of our memories into a box to send with her. She is too precious and has meant to much to us to even try. Nevertheless, I have started a packing list because I want her to go home with what she needs, and I don't mean just clothes and things like that. I mean I want her to know without a doubt that Jesus loves her. That truth is the greatest thing we could ever send with her.

Broken Umbrella

When it rains, it pours. And I feel like I'm standing in the downpour with a broken umbrella.

Over the last 2 months, I've learned something about grief. It's sneaky. It creeps in unnoticed and suddenly appears out of nowhere. There have been so many times I've wanted to call my sister to share an inside joke or to talk about a favorite memory. Not being able to share things with her has been harder in ways that I didn't expect. I wish so much I could call her in heaven so she could tell me all about it.

I'm typing this post from the hospital. Little Miss was admitted over the weekend, and we're currently starting night number 3. I'm not going to lie, it's been terrible. I don't particularly like being in hospitals, and I hate that our family is separated. It's weighing on everyone. It's hard that love alone can't make a precious baby feel better or comfort boys when mommy's not there. If life was a wrestling match, Chad and I have considered tapping out more than once.

In all the stress, exhaustion, fear, and frustration, I am trying to cling to the hope that I have a great Helper and nothing that is going on in my family escapes His attention. When I say "try," I mean that. It is a big struggle for me. Despite over 20 years of knowing God's truth, my faith is shakng. I'm asking questions and having doubts that I haven't had before. I am ready to find my footing.

A Special Birthday

It's interesting to me how I remember and celebrate certain dates. I like to celebrate my half birthday, the anniversary or my first date with Chad, and today is another very special date for me.

Twenty one years ago, in the living room of my childhood home, my older sister and I made the biggest and best decision of our lives. We accepted Jesus as our Lord and Savior. That seems like such Christianese, but that's how my six-year-old heart understood it. I knew I was lost and destined for eternity separated from God, and I knew that my only hope was to cling to Jesus and the price He paid for me. Some might doubt that a child can really understand enough to make a such a decision. I admit that I have questioned that same thing, but I have come to the conclusion time and time again that my decision to lean on Christ for salvation was real and genuine.

I mentioned before that I share this special day with my older sister. I miss her so much today! Whether we were close or far apart, sharing this day knit our hearts together in a special way. It is such a blessing to me that I was there when she became a believer, and I was there when she left this world to run into the arms of Jesus. I know that she is celebrating in heaven and that one day I will be there with her. She always got to do things first, and so I like to think she's scouting everything out for me.

Life on the Outside

After 25 hours spent inside CMC, I was able to get away for a while today. It was so wonderful to feel the sun, breathe fresh air and eat food not purchased in the cafeteria. My girlhood best friend, who I haven't seen in about 10 years, picked me up and treated me to lunch (yes, Mexican food) and a little shopping. I was amazed at how we fell into our old roles and seemed to pick up where we left off. So much is changed in our lives in the last decade (college, marriage, careers and kiddos), but our personalities still mesh like they did when we spent our days playing with Barbies or American Girl dolls.



I was so blessed to spend my evening with another precious friend and my sweet little girl. It's amazing how a hospital room can transform into a place where lives, hearts, and dreams are shared. Real friendship is doing life with one another, and Jane and I have certainly done that. She's seen me transform from a recent college grad to a wife and now to a mommy. She has the gifl of loving and encouraging others and bringing joy and refreshment to a downtrodden heart. Our talks of God's love, the love we have for our men, and mommyhood served as a great reminder that the world keeps spinning and God is still working, eventhough my life seems like it's at a standstill.

For Such a Time as This

Today was my first full day in Dallas with Little Miss after being flown here yesterday morning. It was a whirlwind morning. By 11, we had ridden in an ambulance and flown in a helicopter. It's so hard to see a little one sick, especially when she struggles to breathe. I was overwhelmingly relieved to see her get some help. Though much of the experience was intense, I had a sense of calm- calm because I know that God is in control and calm because we have been through a similar experience with Jack. In fact, at one point, I looked at Chad and said, "Same song, second verse." I believe that God uses our experiences to prepare us for things later on down the road. This has most certainly been true in this case. Almost 4 years ago, we spent 3 weeks in the NICU with newborn Jack because his preemie lungs weren't quite strong enough to work on their own. Then, 2 months ago, I watched my sister struggle to breathe in her final days in the ICU. It's not that I'm comfortable with IVs or cannulas or the thought of intubation; I have just seen them work and provide comfort for people I love. I am so thankful that God prepared us to be there for our sweet little girl by guiding us through Jack's first weeks and Christie's death. We believe that this might be why God brought Little Miss into our family, even if it is for a season. It is a joy to love her and take care of her. I did promise her that our next girls' trip would look much different.

A Touch of Pink

For over 3 and a half years, I have lived very happily in the land of blue. I call it Man World. From the day our first son was born, I've been outnumbered, and the scale has continued to tip in favor of the men. I say that in jest. I never imagined that I would be a mom of three boys, but I love my little "mantourage" so dearly. I will confess, that there is a soft spot in me for little girls.

I freely admit that I've had a tug on my heart to add a little pink addition to our family for a while. Last Friday, that dream came true. We got a call around 8:30 asking if we take another foster placement- this time a 2 month old baby girl. After some fast prayer and fast discussion with Chad, we decided to welcome her into our home. As I waited for her to come, I had the same sense of excitement and anticipation that I did when I used to wait for Chad to pick me up for a date. After waiting all day, she arrived around 5 that evening. She warmed and broke my heart in the same moment. She brought very little with her except the strong smell of smoke. Like any baby, she has responded beautifully to feeling loved and safe. I am so grateful for the opportunity to take care of her and love her, even if it's just for a season.

So in the past 3 months our family of four has become a family of six. We can't believe it sometimes, and there are many times we feel like we might be crazy. Despite feeling overwhelmed much of the time, we know that God is challenging our family to live differently. All over the world, men, women and families suffer for the sake of showing the love of Jesus to a hurting and searching world. We are blessed to live lives that don't require too much persecution or suffering. The ease of our life can make us comfortable and content to stay under the radar. I'm learning that having an impact on this world means being willing to challenge myself and lay myself out for others. It's so hard, and I confess that I blow it most of the time. Thank God for grace!!!!

We're not trying to be super people. There's nothing super about us. God has called us and we know without a doubt that we are totally dependent on God to equip us as well. I am awed at His faithfulness to take our brokenness, selfishness and inadequacy and use it.

Confessions from the Kiosk

Whether you find them at the office, at home, or with a cup of coffee at Starbucks, most bloggers are found sitting. Not me. Not today. I'm standing at what we call our "kiosk." My genius husband, by way of his magical techie wand has, transformed our living room television into a 42" monitor. I often find myself like I am right now, perched in front of the screen, standing on one leg with the other leg bent against my knee. Think flamingo. It's quite amusing, and by far the most agile thing I do.

Inspired by a friend to share a piece of personal trivia (#2 is for you, Val), I thought I'd make a list of some silly and little-known tidbits about myself.

1. I hate Styrofoam plates/to-go boxes. The squeak they make gives me the eebie geebies.

2. In fourth grade, I proudly sported a gold locket containing a picture of Kevin Costner that I cut out of my Bodyguard soundtrack (it was a tape, too!).

3. I have had my Miranda Rights read to me.

4. I once cried while watching USC football and explained my tears by saying, "It's just such beautiful football."

5. I wore my dad's shorts in junior high and cinched them up with his woven leather belt.

6. I have a weakness for kids' cereal.

7. I color-code my closet.

8. My sisters and I can quote "The Princess Bride" almost all the way through.

9. I was the one who broke the pencil sharpener in 1st grade by trying to sharpen a purple crayon.

10. Instead of having an imaginary friend, I had an imaginary planet (complete with holidays).

Never a Dull Moment

I'm sitting in A's nursery, which is also the home of our family computer. Currently, A is in my lap ( he's a little fussy from his shots), Jack is working with an Allen wrench, and Luke has just been told that the changing table is not a fort. Minutes ago, Jack was standing behind me pretending to dry my hair with his toy drill turned blowdryer. I just love his imagination!

There is always something going on around here, that's for sure. In the crazy hustle and bustle that is life with three children, I am so often guilty of getting overwhelmed and frustrated with my kids. I find myself saying no when I should say yes, ignoring things that I shouldn't, and missing out on opportunities to play and teach. Another of my goals this year it to treasure each day, each moment more. I'm going to try to challenge myself to let my kids be independent and trying more "big kid" things without worrying too much about the mess that might result. So far, that's been letting my big 2 use scissors. Sitting at the dining table with their new scissors and being able to go to town on pieces of construction paper has been super fun for them and good for me.

Today, A and I were able to have some time just the 2 of us. Now, we were at a doctor's check-up, we were by ourselves nonetheless. We had a great time playing cars, talking, and snuggling. It was a precious time that I know God used to knit our hearts closer together. After over 2 months of trying in my own strength to make us bond, I've finally started praying that God would love him through me. What he has done in the past few days has been nothing short of a miracle.

I'm thankful that the daily performance of the Larsh Family Circus has an intermission. We are certainly a family that believes in, embraces, and relies on siestas. I'm off to quiet the troops with a book and some snuggles before tucking them in for their naps. Rest well!

Kleenex and Confetti

If my blog were an actual person, I would have to apologize for being such a fickle friend. To say that my lack of posting was purely due to business or plain forgetting would be untrue. Last year was a full year- a year of unexpected hellos and tearful goodbyes.

Chad and I were blessed by the opportunity to travel to Malaysia to teach high school students while their missionary parents attended a conference. It was a very stretching experience. Spring brought little boy crocs, dirty faces, and getting more settled into our new house.

After nearly a year and a half of research and waiting, God finally gave us the green light on pursuing something very special. In early May we found and met with a wonderful foster agency in town and started the process of getting licensed to be foster parents. Someone told me that we, in a manner of speaking, "laid our family on the altar." The journey thus far has been one of faith, questions, and sacrifice. While some days it is just plain hard, it has also refining me and my family.

As camp at PC came with full force, Chad's work schedule left me with more alone time. While many of my friends and family already new him, I made a new friend. His name is Harry Potter. I delved into the 7 book story with much glee and fervor. Chad might say he became a widower of sorts while I had my "Harry-Carrie" time.

At the end of summer, our family had the amazing opportunity to go to family camp. It was awesome! The boys loved it, and it was great to be away and have some time focused on strengthening our family. After working at camp for years, it was a tremendous honor and blessing to be on the other side.

We took somewhat of a hiatus from our foster training during the summer due to a very packed schedule, but we picked up the pace again once September rolled in. Our original goal had been to finish everything by September 1, but multiple bumps in the road pushed us back some. We finally received our license at the end of September.

From outside our windows we could watch the trees change color. The bright and brilliant shades of green morphed into beautiful gold and red. I just love fall! October brought many many events. Chad and I celebrated our 4 year anniversary, Chad celebrated his 28th birthday, and we welcomed a new addition into our family. On October 18, our third son came to live with us. We'll call him "A". He's got the most precious dimples I've ever seen, and he's a big charmer. The boys didn't waste any time in making him feel like a true brother. We have no idea how long he'll be with us. I could be a week, or it could be forever. Only God knows. I struggle so much with trusting him with the details. As Chad says, things don't often make sense from "this side of the tapestry."

November. Probably the hardest month I've ever had. I was invited to attend a women's leadership conference with some other ladies from our church. It was a great experience, and I learned so much about who God says I am. I had little time to process the things I learned before we got the call that my sister (a brave fighter of cancer for almost 6 years) had serious post-surgery complications and was not doing well. We left late on a Thursday night, drove the long 7 hours west, and I headed immediately to the hospital. My brother-in-law came home from his post in the Middle East to be with her, and our family prayed and waited. On November 28, my big sister went to be with Jesus. Even as I type that, it doesn't seem real. We'd know the day would come and in many ways we'd been preparing for it. It was my first experience with saying goodbye to someone close. There has been a strange mixture of joy and sadness, hope and confusion. We celebrated her life with a beautiful service on December 1. She would have loved it. Christie's death has made me question a lot of things and wonder about what heaven must be like. There are many things I don't know, but I do know that God is good and that Christie is having a huge party with Jesus. We placed our faith in Christ on the same day back in 1990, and I was with her when she left the pain and brokenness of this world and ran into His arms.

The year finished with the typical swirl of holiday activity. While we worked hard to treasure and focus on the true meaning of Christmas, the fact is that we just weren't in the mood to celebrate much. I have to believe that's ok. Even the best of days can be tainted by an empty seat at the table.

As I do my best to welcome 2011, I admit that I am fearful of what this year will bring. Perhaps that is one of the reasons I have set the goal to blog more regularly this year. For me, blogging is a way to organize and express my thoughts. That's not something I'm good at doing verbally, but writing definitely helps. I hope that writing this year will also make me more introspective and also more transparent with anyone who might happen to read this.

2010 was a year of very real pain, anticipation, frustration, and joy. I think I've had the full gamut of emotions. Today, I believe God gave me a sneak peek of what He wants to do in me this year. There are many ways I have been broken, and there are many walls that still need to come down. I have to trust that all of this is so that He can rebuild me. My prayer is that I will let him, that I will put all my eggs in His basket, that I will let go of the lies, the fears, and the control that I've been trying to hold onto. If you're reading this, I give your permission and even ask you to keep me accountable. Ask me how I'm doing. As me if I'm letting God work in me. Ask me anything.

Thank you for sharing in the journey that's ahead.